withholding the shit

Music: Judge Judy Because my debut as a shit(ty) scholar is in this fall's issue of Text and Performance Quarterly, I've decided I need to start digesting material for my new career in scholarly scatology. I need to start working on a paper titled "Supercolon (:) Sigmund's Sigmoid," which I am slated to deliver at the National Communication Association meeting in November.

Freud suggests that, among many other things, novelty is associated with shit in the collective unconscious. In this respect I remain fascinated by Pampers' new Kandoo product line, basically a brand of moist buttwipes and foaming hand soap. In the Sunday paper there was a circular advertising Kandoo and—I kid you not—heralding "National Toddler Empowerment Month."

Seeking more information on this product line, as well as the concept of National Toddler Empowerment Month (unsure if its August or July), I contacted media relations at Pampers and was eventually led to Zach Perles, a PR man at one of Proctor and Gamble's many hired firms. Zach works on the Kandoo line and helped launch it in the United States. In a phone interview, Zach explained that Kandoo was originally a European line and they wanted something uniquely "American" for its debut here last January. The result: The Kandoo™ Potty Bowl, a staged, participatory spectacle which coincided with the Superbowl. The news release reads: "Today, in a grand celebration of bathroom hygiene -- Arizona State University in Tempe, home to the famous Fiesta Bowl -- will play host to yet another bowl game, the Kandoo Potty Bowl for kids! In good, clean fun, teams of 11 children, ages 4-5, will don helmets, pads and team shirts and take to the specially designed "Kandoo Football Field" to conquer oversized obstacles representing the every day challenges children face in the bathroom."

And what did participating toddlers find in the Potty Bowl? A giant toilet bowl filled with "colorful foam balls" to play in; a wiping relay game in which kids will "wipe the Kandoo Frog" before moving on to the next wiping station, ultimately ending in a flushing station and a sink area for clean up.

Apparently everything came out Old Kinderhook at the Kandoo™ Potty Bowl. This was a raging success for Perles, who was careful to explain that this product, which is for "slightly older, "post potty-trained children," centers around "empowerment." He said that the product is a result of product research: "Pampers listens to what parents need," he said. "The design of the [Potty Bowl] program was to bring kids out and [to] master the bathroom basics." He continued that "the idea is to empower children to use the bathroom on their own." I asked Zach if he came up with the rhetoric of the promotion, and he said that he did not. He does events planning; the advertising firm handles the language of the promotion. Zach said he would put me in touch with the right people via email.

So, I waited a few hours and, not hearing from Zach, I emailed him this message:

To: zperles@painepr.com From: Joshua Gunn Subject: thanks Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments:

Zach,

Thanks for the information you provided today; thought I would email to follow-up in case you were having trouble sending info to me (new system here for me). Any info you could provide on the ad agency would be appreciated.

Thanks again,

Josh

A couple of hours later, Zach emailed back. Apparently he was getting suspicious:

Subject: RE: thanks Date: Wed, 3 Aug 2005 11:29:41 -0700 Thread-Topic: thanks Thread-Index: AcWYR7fl2t48VBtFQ9aeGeeeHEMJzwAEXUbg From: "Zach Perles" To: "Joshua Gunn"

Thank you Josh.

Tell me a again what course you teach and what this case study will be used for specifically. I will be sure to put you in touch with the right person/s.

Thanks again.

Zach

Here's a photo of Zach. It's not actually Zach, of course, just what I think he looks like (perhaps he looks like this?. Anyway, so I am thinking: how do you explain to a non-academic that you really don't know what you are going to say, that you are in the stages of invention, and you've not quite figured it all out? Besides, it's not likely that talking about Kandoo at an academic conference will malign this buttwipe product. So here's what I pulled out of my ass:

To: "Zach Perles" From: Joshua Gunn Subject: RE: thanks

Hi Zach,

This is not for a course. It is for a research paper I'm writing on the psychoanalytic theory of aggressivity among toddlers and the rhetoric of "empowerment." I'd like to speak with someone involved in the advertising campaign about "National Toddler Empowerment Month" and the Kandoo product line.

Thanks!

Josh

Mr. Perles decides to clench the information sphincter in his reply:

Subject: RE: thanks Date: Thu, 4 Aug 2005 06:30:09 -0700 Thread-Topic: thanks From: "Zach Perles" To: "Joshua Gunn"

Thanks Josh.

Can you tell me a little bit more about the psychoanalytic theory of aggressivity among toddlers"? Just trying to get a sense of where you are heading with this paper - also if you can provide your timing on this, that would be most helpful.

Thank you.

Zach _______________________

Could Zach's emails be anything but an excellent exemplar of anal agressivity? Talk about withholding the shit! Ah, well, I've hit a dead end in my researches. I'll continue to root around until I find the shit that I need. There's something fascistic going on here, something violent. The anal imaginary may harbor the true War on Terror (or Global Extremism or whatever we're calling it now).