the juice is loose

Music: Marconi Union: Distance (2006) I have just returned from a "panel" titled "What I wished I had known" for the new faculty (roughly 120 folks). Of course, when they contacted me to speak those folks over at DIIA, which stands for "Division of Information and Innovation Assessment" or something mind-numbing and unrememberable like that, didn't know what they were going to get: he he he. I enjoyed it, and clearly the new group of faculty about to become absorbed by the UT Borg did too. They laughed, which is all one can hope for. "I hope they could get past their laughter," said one DIIA person. "You made a lot of really good points true of my experience as well." Anyhoo, these poor faculty have FOUR MORE DAYS of administrivia and panels about "how to write a syllabus" and what not. Four Days!. I think that is simply too much to put new people through. You don't remember all that stuff anyway, and very few people ever fit within their allotted time slot. I mean, The President spoke before us, and he yammered on endlessly as people who like to hear themselves speak (me too) are wont to do ("oh, and one more thing . . . . Finally, let me tell you about . . . . And I almost forgot, blah blah blah"). I always stick to a script to not waste or encroach on someone's time.

Anyhoo, here is the script I roughly followed, more or less.  This script represents a couple hours of work that is now going to get posted and be forgotten forever (gee, just think about the labor time spent on stuff like this; it's all gratis work, and the "network" opportunities are really overblown; tasteless calories for the vita monster, too).

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Hello again, my name is Josh Gunn and I'm in the department of Communication Studies. Most people call me, however, Herr Rev. Doktor Professor DJ Joshie Juice. You can call me Juice.

Now, I knew, since I was third, that if I went with the most important things that I wished I knew, you'd probably get to hear it, well, a third time. So, I thought I'd go with the road less traveled and offer up a series of complaints.

You know, since I was born into redneck stock in the appalacias that can be traced back to a disgraced clan of fisherpeople from the Scottish Highlands, and disgraced because we were supposedly THE WAR clan--Gunna means war--and our Chief or Grand-poo-bah was be-headed, so we like fled to the shoreline and fished and then became criminals or something and got shipped to America. What was I saying? Oh, yes, because we're all cowards and criminals, we Gunns know how to complain.

We Gunns also know how to hide our complaining in pretty language that sounds informative. So, here I am to supposedly inform you with "What I Wished I Had Known." I'm going to go with my Good Ol' Georgia Grammar and re-title this: "What I Wished I Knew: A Top Ten List by Herr Rev. Doktor Professor DJ Joshie Juice."

* TEN: I wished I knew that when they say “UT students” are smarter, this also means they know how to point out contradictions in the syllabus grade policy and will call you out in front of the whole class, thereby causing a week of "Oh my god I’m naked in the elementary school cafeteria”-style dreams.

* NINE: I wished I knew that the UT salute [SHOW] and the phrase “hook ‘em” has magical, memory wiping effects, just like that memory-wiping flash device in the Men in Black movies. In the event one of my smart students pointed out a contradiction in course policy, all I had to do was salute and scream “hook ‘em,” and everything would have been ok.

* EIGHT: I wished I knew that everyone doesn’t like or use profanity like I do; like I said, I was born in and raised into a din of profanity and jokes about doing inappropriate things in church. As a corollary to number eight, I wish I knew that the walls in my building--the second most ugly and poorly designed building on campus--are paper thin. If you use profanity during office hours neighboring faculty will develop and use a rating system. Fortunately, I've never been awarded an X, but I did get an NC-17 rating one time when I read this article by Celeste Condit about the animal brain that really made me mad. These essentialists think that they can just hardwire social construction away; it's all I can do to contain myself from using certain p-words. Ok, I'll say it: POSTMODERNISM, POSTSTRUCTUALISM, POSTHUMANISM, POSTMARXISM, POSTFEMINISM. Take that, you essentialist PRE-POST PANZIES.

*SEVEN: Really, this is only tangentially related, but: I wish I knew my department was in the second most ugly building on campus, which is full of offices with no windows. I would have negotiated the department to move to a different building with my mighty vita power. All I managed to get was a fake window that emits UV rays to help me stave off depression. That's what you tell them folks: you get depressed without sunlight. Then they HAVE to buy you a fake window. You can even tape a picture of a palm tree in them to create the illusion that your janitor closet office is sitting at some beach resort.

* SIX: I wished I knew that the memory-wiping effects of the UT salute and phrase “hook ‘em” does not work so well with faculty, especially after you are chastised for using profanity during office hours.

* FIVE: I wished I knew the library system has a ruthless, Draconian book recall system with mercenaries that will demand your first born if you don’t return a recalled book in four minutes. If you’re away at a conference and an art history grad student writing a paper nineteenth century hygiene needs the latest Zizek pony trick, expect it to cost you, big time.

* FOUR: I wished I knew that my department’s assigned librarian is like having our own Good Witch Glenda. With a magic flip of the wrist, she can subdue recalled book mercenaries and possibly order the library second copy of Zizek’s latest pony trick so that you can finish your manuscript.

*THREE: I wished I knew that I needed to bring a change of clothes to school whenever I need to go to the library. It's like three miles away from my office, which is in the second most ugly building on campus. The first couple of times I went, I discovered this was unwise to do before teaching without a change of clothes and a sweat towel to dry off. Those smart students will giggle at your sopping armpits and grimace at the unpleasant stench that your redneck body emits.

*TWO: I wished I knew there was a complex and extensive series of tunnels running under the university. I still wish I knew where the master map was so I could get a copy. You see, I did my graduate work at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, and while there they have a series of heated tunnels crisscrossing campus for the winter months. In downtown Minneapolis they have a series of skywalks. I mean, the city is like one SUPER DUPER HABBITRAIL. Now, for those of you who are not 30-something, the HABBITRAL was a series of tubes and sliding boards and stuff for hamsters; when I was a kid I LOVED them, and my hamster scooter did too. Well, see, I wished I knew about UTs SECRET TUNNEL system because I would have campaigned to have them opened and air-conditioned for the summer months. Heck, I think we should do that now. Why not? I have brought a petition for those of you who want join me. I'm calling it my Herr Doktor Professor Rev. DJ Joshie Juice's HAPPY HAMPSTER TUNNEL CAMPAIGN.

And finally, the number one thing that I wished I knew when I first came to the University of Texas: This sounds really friggin' cheesy, but, I wished I knew that everything was going to be all right. A year ago I knew this intellectually, but the emotional knowledge and faith wasn't there for me in the first semester. I was scared. UT is massive, the research pressure is intense, and you are often surrounded very, very busy people. They say it takes a year and a half to fully develop a social network, and my organization communication colleagues tell me nine months to feel rooted in a job. Security eventually happens, as do the drinking buddies and friends. And if orientation is any measure, this university is a most excellent place because of the resources and money these folks pour into making sure you are happy. Take their money and run.